9Back to Main Page    Page Updated 5-25-11

Roller-Coaster Relationship: Your Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder   By Kate Thieda

If you have a partner with borderline personality disorder (BPD), your relationship may look something like this:

•Yesterday, in the eyes of your partner, you could do no wrong. Today, everything you do is wrong.

•Ten minutes ago, your partner was smiling and happy. Now, they are screaming at the top of their lungs about a perceived snarky comment from you, which was not meant in the way it was interpreted, and household objects are being thrown. You hastily leave to go to work.

•By the end of today, you will get 15 text messages, eight phone calls, and 10 emails from your partner that ask if you still love them, and threatening suicide if you end the relationship.

According to the National Institute for Mental Health, two percent of Americans are diagnosed with BPD, which equates to about six million people, although some estimates are as high as six percent, or eighteen million people. Women are more frequently given the diagnosis, but that may be because they present for psychiatric services more often than men, or because of provider bias, with men being diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder instead of BPD.

Obviously, having a relationship with someone who experiences BPD is a challenge. At the beginning of your relationship, there may have been a honeymoon period where you were idealized by your partner. But now you may be experiencing the darker side of BPD: fears of abandonment, impulsive behaviors (gambling, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating, drug use), emotional instability, and suicidal gestures or attempts.

What does the partner of someone with BPD do?

Helping your partner find the right treatment is crucial. Convincing them to first try treatment, and then stick with it, however, is a whole other issue. BPD clients are frequently considered the “toughest to treat” by mental health professionals because of the instability they present. Remember, what happens in the “real world” also happens in therapy offices: the same patterns your partner with BPD does at home happen with the therapist, too.

But there is hope. Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is considered the most effective treatment for BPD. There are a ton of resources online about DBT, including the blog Dialectical Behavior Therapy Understood here on PsychCentral, so I invite you to check them out to learn more. There are other treatments that are beginning to receive more attention as well, such as mentalization-based therapy (MBT), transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP), schema therapy (ST), and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) tailored specifically to BPD.

Next, finding a therapist to help you is vitally important as well. Even if your partner is in treatment, the instability and uncertainty around their mood and behavior will not resolve overnight. Treatment for BPD is a long process, and if you and your partner are going to get to the other side with your relationship intact, you are going to need professional support.

It is important for you to learn about DBT as well so that you can participate in your partner’s recovery. One way to do this is through DBT Family Skills training.

As for day-to-day ways to support your partner during the recovery process, some tips include:

•Do not ignore your partner’s threats to harm themselves. After a while, family and friends can become desensitized to the threats of the person with BPD. However, it is common, especially when someone is in treatment, for things to actually get worse before they get better. Statistically, around 9-10% of people with BPD complete suicide, and it is often by accident. Don’t take chances: call 911 or bring your partner to the emergency room if they are threatening suicide. Let the mental health professionals decide the level of actual threat.

•Learn how to validate your partner’s experience. One of the theories behind DBT is that the person with BPD grew up in an invalidating environment, which means they were consistently told that their feelings were bad or wrong, or may have even been physically punished for showing emotion, even if their reaction to the situation was perfectly appropriate.

•Use good communication skills to set boundaries with your partner. Another hallmark of the experience of people who have BPD is that their lives have always been unstable. Having boundaries in place in their adult relationship, and especially having those boundaries remain in place when tested, helps to provide your partner with a safe environment that they know will not fail them.

•Take care of yourself. I say this in practically every post: if you are not caring for yourself, you are not in a position to help your partner get better.
 
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What is the prognosis of people with borderline personality disorder?  from MedicineNet.com website

As with any illness, an appropriate question about BPD is if it is curable. While improvement in any personality disorder is not synonymous with being cured, the symptoms of BPD do tend to diminish with time. How well or poorly people with BPD progress over time seems to be influenced by how severe the disorder is at the time that treatment starts, the state of the individual's current personal relationships, whether or not the sufferer has a history of being abused as a child, as well as whether or not the person receives appropriate treatment. Simultaneously suffering from depression, other emotional problems, or a low level of conscientiousness have been found to be associated with a greater likelihood of symptoms of BPD returning (relapse). Conversely, having steady employment or school status once symptoms of BPD subside (remit) tends to protect BPD sufferers from experiencing a future relapse.

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Living with BPD  By Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD

 How Does Living with Borderline Personality Disorder Affect You?

Relationships
BPD can have a major impact on your relationships. In fact, having difficulties in relationships is one of the primary symptoms of BPD. People with BPD have lots of arguments and conflict with loved ones, or a lot of relationships that break up repeatedly. The way that they feel about their family, friends, or partner can change dramatically from day-to-day or hour-to-hour. These patterns can be very difficult both for the person with BPD and those who care about him or her.

Work
Work, school, or other productive pursuits can give us a sense of purpose in life. Unfortunately, BPD can interfere with success at work or school. Because BPD has such an impact on relationships, people with BPD may find themselves in trouble with co-workers, bosses, teachers, or other authority figures. The intense emotional changes may also impact work or school; people with BPD may have to be absent more often due to emotional concerns or hospitalization. Some of the symptoms of BPD (e.g., dissociation) can also interfere with concentration, making task completion very difficult.

Physical Health
Unfortunately, BPD can also have a major impact on physical health. BPD is associated with a variety of serious health conditions, including chronic pain disorders such as fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, arthritis, obesity, diabetes, and serious health problems. BPD is also associated with less healthy lifestyle choices (e.g., smoking, alcohol use, lack of regular exercise).

BPD and the Law
Some of the behaviors associated with BPD can lead to legal problems. The anger associated with BPD can lead to aggression (e.g., assaulting others, throwing objects, or acting out against others' personal property). Impulsive behaviors, such as driving recklessly, abusing substances, shoplifting, or engaging in other illegal acts, can also lead to trouble.

Coping with the Symptoms of BPD
People with BPD do not have to resign themselves to a life of emotional pain. Below are some things you can do that can help. These are just the beginning. Getting help from a licensed mental health professional, and learning more about how to manage the symptoms of BPD, can alleviate the impact of BPD on your life.

Get Help
BPD is a very serious disorder. The intense experiences associated with BPD are not something that one person should face alone. Fortunately, there are a number of effective treatments for BPD. Finding a professional you feel comfortable with is one of the most important steps you can take for your health.

Have a Safety Plan
BPD causes very painful emotions, and as a result, it is not uncommon for mental health emergencies (for example, active suicidality) to arise. For this reason, it is critical you to have a safety plan in place before a crisis happens. If you are in danger of harming yourself or others, what will you do? Can you call 911? Is there a hospital nearby with an emergency room that you can go to? If you have a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, or social worker, talk this plan over with them. Learn more about what to do in a crisis so that you can keep yourself (and others) safe.

Get Support
Having the support of your family, friends, or partner can be a big help. But, not everyone has someone to turn to when things get difficult. You may need to find ways to connect with others, and to build a support network for yourself. BPD is not an uncommon disorder; it occurs in about 1.4% of the population...that that percentage is reported to be truly much higher. That means that there are roughly four million plus people with BPD in the U.S. alone. Many of those people are looking for support, just like you.

Take Care of Yourself
It is important that individuals with BPD take good care of themselves. Good self-care can reduce emotional pain, increase positive emotions, and help reduce the emotional ups and downs experienced by people with BPD. Good self-care includes eating nutritious and regular meals, practicing good sleep hygiene, getting regular exercise, taking time for relaxation and stress-reduction, and scheduling enjoyable activities.

Learn More
When it comes to your mental health, knowledge is power. Educate yourself about the symptoms, causes, and treatments of BPD. Learn about ways to manage your symptoms. Share what you have learned with the people in your life who are affected by it. Amy:  That is what I am doing by actively researching this disorder, and uploading it to this website.  There is so much to grasp about this disorder.  I am amazed by all that I have continued to see that is written about this mental health disorder.  Continuing to live with a dedication and determination to conquer this disorder is enough to keep me putting one foot in front of the other.  Once again, I ask you to forward this site on to anyone, I mean anyone  who could possibly benefit from it, as a BPD or Non-BPD.

Blessings to You,

Amy Allison, owner and author of this website.

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