Could You Be An Emotional Vampire? How Do You Know?

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s new book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Harmony Books, 2009)

We’ve all got a smidgeon of vampire in us, especially when we’re stressed. So, cut yourself a break. It’s admirable to admit, “I think I’m emotionally draining people. What can I do?” Can’t be free without such honesty. Then you can change. These are some common indications that you’re becoming a drainer.

• People avoid you or glaze over during a conversation

• You’re self-obsessed

• You’re often negative

• You gossip or bad-mouth people

• You’re critical, controlling

• You’re in an emotional black hole, but won’t get help--this strains relationships and won’t free you

The solution is always to own up to where you’re emotionally stuck and change the related behavior. For instance, one patient in computer graphics kept hammering his wife with a poor-me attitude about how he always got stuck with boring projects at work. Instead of trying to improve the situation, he just kvetched. She started dreading those conversations, diplomatically mentioned it to him. This motivated my patient to address the issue with his supervisor, which got him more stimulating assignments. Similarly, whenever I slip into vampire mode, I try to examine and alter my behavior or else discuss the particulars with a friend or a therapist so I can change. Don’t hesitate to seek assistance when you’re stumped. Also, review the types of emotional vampires in Emotional Freedom (the Narcissist, The Victim, The Controller, The Criticizer, The Splitter)  to make sure you’re not one of them.

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Protect Yourself from Energy Vampires   by Judith Orloff MD

(Adapted from Positive Energy: Ten Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear Into Vibrance, Strength, and Love)

The quality of our relationships effect our health. Our relationships are governed by a give and take of energy. Some coworkers and colleagues make us more electric or at ease. Yet others suck the life right out of us. As a physician and energy specialist I want to verify that energy vampires roam the world sapping our exuberance. With patients and in my workshops I’ve seen their fang marks and the carnage they’ve strewn. But most of us don’t know how to identify and cope with vampires, so we mope around as unwitting casualties, enduring a preventable fatigue.

In Positive Energy, I discuss some types of energy vampires to watch for at work and ways to deal with them.

Vampire #1: The Sob Sister
Every time you talk to her she's whining. She adores a captive audience. She’s the coworker with the “poor me” attitude who’s more interested in complaining than solutions.

How to Protect Yourself: Set clear boundaries. Limit the time you spend talking about her complaints. With a firm but kind attitude say, “I’m sorry I can only talk for a few minutes today.” And go on with your work.

Vampire #2: The Drama Queen
This vampire has a flair for exaggerating small incidents into off-the-chart dramas. My patient Sarah was exhausted when she hired a new employee who was always late for work. One weeks he had the flu and “almost died.” Next, his car was towed, again!. After this employee left her office Sarah felt tired and used.

How to Protect Yourself: A drama queen doesn’t get mileage out of equanimity. Stay calm. Take a few deep breaths. This will help you not get caught up in the histrionics. At work, set kind but firm limits. Say, "You must be here on time to keep your job. I'm sorry for all your mishaps, but work comes first."

Vampire #3:The Constant Talker or Joke Teller
He has no interest in your feelings; he’s only concerned with himself. Initially, he might seem entertaining, but when the talking doesn’t stop, you begin to get tired. You wait for an opening to get a word in edgewise but it never comes. Or he might physically move in so close he's practically breathing on you. You edge backwards, but without missing a beat, he steps closer again. “One patient said about such a coworker, ‘Whenever I spot this man my colon goes into spasm.”

How to Protect Yourself: Know that these people don’t respond to nonverbal cues. You must speak up and interrupt. Listen for a few minutes- then from a neutral place politely say, “I’m a quiet person, so please excuse me for not talking a long time—a much more constructive tack than “Keep quiet, you’re driving me crazy!”

Vampire #4. The Fixer Upper
This vampire is desperate for you to fix her endless problems—at all hours. She turns you into her therapist. At lunch, she’ll make a b-line to your desk, monopolizing your free time. Her neediness lures you in.

How to Protect Your Energy: Do not become the “rescuer.” Show empathy but resist offering solutions. Be supportive but tell her, “I’m confident you’ll find the right solution” or sensitively suggest that she seek a qualified professional for help.

Vampire #5: The Blamer
This vampire has a sneaky way of making you feel guilty or lacking for not getting things just right. Whenever my patient Marie, a book editor, sees her boss she’s on guard; her boss had a way of cutting her down that saps her energy. She always has a negative comment to make.

How to Protect Yourself: Try this visualization. Around this person imagine yourself surrounded by a cocoon of white light. Think of it as a protective covering that keeps you from being harmed. Tell yourself that you are safe and secure here. The cocoon filters out the negativity so it can't deplete you.

Vampire #6: Go For The Jugular Fiend
This type is vindictive and cuts you down with no consideration for your feelings. He says things like, “Forget that job. It’s out of your league.” These jabs can be so hurtful it’s hard to get them out of your head.

How To Protect Yourself: Eliminate them from your life whenever possible. For a boss who isn’t going anywhere try a visualization that put you at a distance from them, and refuse to ingest the poison. If you don’t want to switch jobs, realize he’s a wounded person; try not to take his meanness personally.

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Keeping Ourselves Centered and Protected   by Judith Orloff MD

As you go through the intuitive healing process you need to know: each of us has our own special power. We carry it within; it waits to be awakened. Call it your inner self, your spirit, or light--however conceived, you must meet and come to know your core-essence. The source of all intuition, it is your fiercest ally and advocate against danger. By connecting with this part of yourself you'll mount confidence, feel safer in the world. Then whatever or whoever crosses your path--even the devil incarnate--will be no match for your resilience.

I want you to flush out beliefs that divert you from your intuitive healing power. Begin by asking yourself, "What in my life throws me off center and why?" I'm referring to everything from a stranger flashing you a dirty look, to fear of rejection, to dealing with someone in pain. Interactions where your energy dims. Weak spots, points that need securing. And what about negativity? How do you deal with yours, or another's? If a supervisor says, "You'll never be successful," or an ex-lover announces, "You're incapable of a healthy relationship," do you buy into it? We each have our triggers. The basis for centering and protection is grasping where we get caught, and then disengaging the trigger.

Four common beliefs that drain your intuitive healing power:

1. I'm not strong enough to protect myself.
As children, many of us aren't taught to believe in the full power we contain. Yes, our parents may support our intelligence, talents, physical attractiveness--even teach us sound ethical values, the difference between right and wrong. But what happens to our inner self? Might even devoutly religious parents fail to realize it is there? Our starting point is to recognize we possess a very real internal source which enables us to deeply see and know. Yet when something goes wrong, frequently our first impulse is to look outside ourselves for someone to "fix" us. We get sick; we rush to the doctor. We become depressed; we call a therapist. We're in pain; we take a pill. It's fine to seek expertise--but we have it backwards. Look inside first. Really, it's not a big blank in there. Then act on what your wisdom tells you. What stops us? A likely culprit is the vulnerable child we each carry within. Mogul or mailman, mother or monk, this aspect of our psyche yearns to be taken care of, protected, and is unequipped to do it alone. He pops up in the darndest circumstances, reducing us to a helpless tiny tot. Of course we must tenderly acknowledge her needs--but know where to draw the line. Would you want a baby running your boardroom? Your life? Remember: Your inner self is more than your inner child. Far grander--capable of ministering to all your needs--is the radiance of your spirit. Feeling this, knowing this, is the best protection of all. You must become your own champion before anyone else can. When you believe in yourself, no one else can diminish you.

2. Other people's negative thoughts can harm me.
In my workshops, I'm struck by how worried participants are about being thwarted by other people's negative thoughts. Such concerns need to be addressed. On an intuitive healing level, ill intentions or feelings can affect us, creating anxiety or physical dis-ease. We must train ourselves to deflect them. What is negative energy? Any force antithetical to your well-being. How does it turn up in everyday life? Let's start at the lower end of the spectrum. Your neighbor doesn't approve of you. A friend puts down your plan to start college at forty. Your ex-boyfriend's girlfriend is sending you bad vibes. What do you do?

Strategies to develop intuitive healing:
•Don't lead a lifestyle based on assuming others are out to get you. This perpetuates fear.
•If someone is sending you negative thoughts, avoid dwelling on them. The more attention you pay to negativity, the more influence you give it.
•Focusing on the strength of your inner self is the best defense against negativity, no matter how dramatic its manifestation. If you are solidly connected to yourself, nothing can get you.

3. I'm too sensitive for my own good.
The arch-enemy of intuition is lack of sensitivity. Know this: There is no such thing as being overly sensitive. To grasp the concept, you may have to reconfigure old ideas that have been drummed into your head. When parents or teachers said, "You have to toughen up," or especially with boys, "only sissies cry," unknowingly they were undermining the very crux of your intuitive tie with the world. Male sensibility, in particular, has been bludgeoned by such rigid conditioning. But, for both sexes, to break down childhood armoring requires extraordinary commitment, trust, and resolve.

What I'm speaking of isn't simply expressing your emotions. It's slowly learning, in your own time frame, to remain wide open to an intuitive realm--being one with the wind, the moon, other people's joys, sorrows, the continuum of life and death. From this comes an intimate ecstatic bond with all of existence, exactly what you don't want to protect yourself from. Sensitivity only turns against you when you feel overwhelmed. But how do you stay receptive and not get obliterated by the intensity of such input? It is possible to remain vulnerable and feel safe. The answer is never to shut your sensitivity off but to develop it as a creative resource.

4. It’s my job to take on the pain of others.
We're trained that as big-hearted people it's laudable to try to relieve the pain of others. A homeless person holding a cardboard sign, "I'm hungry. Will work for food" at a busy intersection; a hurt child; a distraught friend. It's natural to want to reach out to them, ease their angst. But many of us don't stop there. Inadvertently, we take it on. Suddenly we're the one feeling desolate, off kilter, bereft, when we felt fine before. This loss of center is what I want to address. It does not serve us. I am adamant: the most compassionate, effective route to healing people is to be a supportive presence, not attempt to live their pain for them. Moreover, sometimes suffering has its own cycle that has to be respected, hard as that may be to witness.

We must lie to rest the old metaphysical prototype of the empathic healer. Typically grossly obese women (extra weight, they mistakenly argued, was the only way to stay grounded), who cured patients by absorbing symptoms with the technique of laying on of hands. The result? Patients would leave feeling better; the healers would be a sickly wreck. These women were convinced such a sacrifice was necessary to lessen the suffering of others. As a young physician, I almost got snagged in the same trap. During the first months of private practice, I used to drag myself home, flop into bed half-dead from everything I'd absorb: a sure path to burn-out. This tack wasn't good for me or my patients.

I've learned the value of being a catalyst for people's growth without compromising my well-being. Patients themselves have taught me I can't do the work for them. That is not my job. Nor is it yours. Keep this in mind: it is none of our business to deprive anyone else of their life experiences. I understand the impulse to want to make things better. Compassion and the desire to console are human. But there's a fine line between supporting someone and trying to do it for them. No matter how well-meaning or heartfelt your intention, doing too much is not an act of love but of sabotage. You can be caring and honest with someone, yet still let them be. Don't equate honoring their growth process with abandoning them. A practical philosophy of intuitive healing must include preserving your energy as well as serving others. Striking a balance is essential.
 

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Do You Get Drained By Other People's Energy?   by Judith Orloff MD

Growing up, my girlfriends couldn't wait to hit the shopping malls and go to parties, the bigger the better--but I didn't share their excitement. I always felt overwhelmed, exhausted around large groups of people, though I was clueless why. "What's the matter with you?" friends would say, shooting me the weirdest looks. All I knew was that crowded places and I just didn't mix. I'd go there feeling just fine but leave nervous, depressed, or with some horrible new ache or pain. Unsuspectingly, I was a gigantic sponge, absorbing the energy of people around me.

Thank goodness, as my intuition matured, I had a life-changing revelation. From conversations with other healers and from working with patients I realized I was experiencing intuitive empathy: the ability to sense what's going on in others both emotionally and physically as if it were happening to me. Amazing at times, but also challenging. Let me explain the dynamics of empathy: the more people per square foot, the more our energy fields intersect--thus the tendency to become overloaded in high-density areas. This aspect of intuition is the most neglected and misunderstood.

I'm not referring to ordinary empathy--for instance, when you sympathize with a friend whose fiancee left her, or share your brother's joy on the birth of his first child. Intuitive empathy goes way beyond. It's the capacity to energetically merge with someone else and, for the moment, see life (positive and negative) through their eyes, sense the world through their feelings. If this describes you, it may be impossible to distinguish these sensations from your own, throwing you off center.

I know. I've been there. That my intuitive empathy has become a gift is mind-blowing--and a tremendous relief. Many of us never get to the good part of empathy because we're not shown how. What ails us even eludes our doctors. We go in for care, but it's like the blind leading the blind. No one know what's going on. Empaths, unintentionally, can make even a good doctor's life hell. They manifest such a barrage of "unexplained" treatment-resistant symptoms, that frustrated physicians write them off as hypochondriacs. Empaths are notoriously misdiagnosed. Patient after patient has come to me labeled "agoraphobic" or with "panic disorder," having received only minor respite from traditional treatments: valium and behavior therapy. Some were nearly house-bound. They'd all say, "I dread being in crowded places where I can't make a quick escape. Forget department stores, busy streets, elevators, tunnels. I avoid them like the plague." Sounded very familiar. So I decided to take a history of how these people processed subtle energy in the world, something all healers must be trained to assess. Voila! I found many were undiagnosed empaths. For me, this changed everything. My job then became teaching my patients to center themselves and deal with the day-to-day nuances of energy more productively.

                                         ~  End of Section on Negativity ~

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