A poem about BPD ...
By AMBIGUOUS  from supportgroups.com website

Never ending racing thoughts all day long...

Just when I think I have said the right thing someone proves me wrong...

I go up and down around and around
On a merry go round..

The only problem is that it never stops...
I go all the way to the bottom back to the top...

My world is black and white
Filled with wrong but also right..

I scream a lot in my head..
A lot of times I wanna be dead...

So I can have that peace that I desperately long for...

So I can finally close the door to the nightmare and say NO MORE...

I wish I could find this so called " happy- medium balance" I desire

And not feel like my brain is on fire...

I'm always contradicting myself and irritated...
Everyday I'm always so frustrated...

Can someone please turn off this switch and stop the thoughts that make my brain ... Itch...

( just in case anyone wanted to know what BPD feels like).....

The Race To Recovery From BPD. Where is the Finish Line?By Teresa Lynne  

(from Yahoo.com "Questions")    

I was mis dignosed at 14 with bi polar and now dignosed bpd, with anxiety! ,5 xanax in the morning and some valum at night to help with insomnia.......i feel 100% better and am really pissed about loosing 15 years, stay away from seraquil, and mood stabalizers, diazapams are good, sleeping meds could make ur dreams crazy! find the right dr, one who wil listen! cognative thereapy worked well for me, group settings...i went to dr for four years and they just kept shuving pills down my throught instead of listening! ohhh and u cant cure bpd! only treatment

(from Yahoo.com "Questions") 

First, let me explain how you get a borderline personality:

All personality disorders (and psychiatry know about 16 of them with subcategories) start in early childhood and are directly caused by abuse and/or neglect. As a result, the patient grows up learning inappropriate coping skills, inappropriate responses socially and has a severe lack of life skills, including empathy for others.

How do we "cure" a Borderline PErsonality Disorder? The same way we cure all personality disorders, with many, many years of intensive psychotherapy. The patient must accept the diagnosis and be willing to work hard and change and learn new coping skills and life skills. And he or she must have a psychotherapist who specializes in personality disorders because most psychiatrists and psychologists won't touch them.

You see, these people think there is nothing wrong with them. They are constantly in trouble but are always blaming the trouble on someone or something else. And so, they are very hard to treat.

I would say that if you are concerned for someone with this disorder, you need to find a reputable licensed mental health practitioner who specializes in personality disorders and who will work with the patient for the long haul....and before the patient begins therapy....he or she had better accept their diagnosis or someone will be wasting a lot of money with no results!

(from the dearmentalillness.com website

Dear Borderline Personality Disorder, 

You’re f**ked up you know that? You f**ked me, my view on the world and my relationships with the people I love. I have a deep mistrust in a lot of people because of you. Not to mention the scars on my arms and legs, severe emotional issues over love & sex, and a potential eating disorder. 

I’ve known you for sixteen years. I was six years old when you came into my life. So basically, you and I have caused trouble, which has me straight into a therapist’s office on-and-off for fifteen years, while you hide undetected. 

Things are going to be extremely different from now on. You are allowed to stay a part of me, but you are going to shut the f**k up and don’t cause s**t. 

Cool? No?  Whatever, f**k you. You can’t do anything about it.

(from ExperienceProject.com website.  
 

I have relationship issues. I have anger issues. I am insecure. Occasionally suicidal. But I am a human being for God's sake. I have seen far too many posts about terrible, incurable, untreatable, leave your partner they are the devil BPD. 

It ******* hurts ok? Does anyone on earth think I CHOSE this? That I want to be afraid and insecure all the time. Do you think I like when a tiny bit of anger turns into a molten volcano? I bust my *** to not "inflict" my illness on anyone else but jesus give me a break... I am not a monster. I am a person who had horrible **** done to them. I can only do what I can do.... and if your partner is an ******* or abusive, that is THEM not Borderline.... THEY are choosing not to get treatment, THEY are choosing to accept their symptoms as a concrete trait instead of an adjustable problem. 

So in all honesty if one more person comments about how awful people who have Borderline are... I am going to scream.

From PsychForums.com      Excerpts from forum
Feeling violated and victimized by EVERYONE by wildernessrealm  
May 30, 2011

Lately, I've been ignoring everyone and staying inside because it seems like everyone is out to shame me or just doesn't undertstand what common decency is. This is probably all in my head but I still feel it immensely to the point where I hung up in my friend's face and raged at her for giving me a look.

I hate being so angry.

I don't even want to go outside because I feel like whatever I wear people will stare at me and reject me or just give me strange looks. I'm VERY sensitive to people's looks. It seems that "normies" will give whatever look they want to whomever.

For example, I try to be polite as possible to everyone and smile at everyone but normies just don't give a $#%^ most of the time. It's like they're saying, "hey we're normal and people like even when were assholes unlike you who has to be overly polite or others won't even give you the time of day."

I'm really rambling here but, essentially, I've put myself in a very lonely place. Yesterday I woke up forcing myself to go outside and face the world. So, I called up my friends and they had already made plans without calling me. Although I felt very hurt I sucked it up and called them later. They had gone to a friends house. I asked what they were doing and she kept talking to my other friend who was with her while on the phone with me! She didn't even answer!! I was so angry I hung up and threw my phone...

Anyways, long story short, I texted three other people--one of them a guy I'm reallly infatuated with--and no one answered.

So, how the f**k am I supposed to "stay strong" and be intergrated when people ignore me and reject me!? I feel so alone...wildernessrealm

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Re: Feeling violated and victimized by EVERYONE
by XeeraMasque   

Oh how I relate to this!

I've given up to be honest. I don't contact anyone, my entire social life is done through Facebook where I'm only people's friends list to make them look as popular as possible. Every now and again someone will invite me to something and if I'm lonely enough I go, but even then it's as though I'm only invited so that they can look like a nice person in front of everyone else.

I go out, even just a 3 minute walk to the shops and cop some sort of abuse from strangers almost every time. I am polite and everything else and yes it means the lady serving me will smile, ask how I am and say goodbye but this isn't a relationship. I'm a doormat and I'm afraid of approaching people, scared of rejection and all that stuff.

But in saying that, sometimes when I'm not feeling hurt by the solitude I get so engrossed in solitary hobbies (jigsaw puzzles, photography...) that I don't even notice that I'm alone and from this I get a surge of confidence and I can go out into the public sincerely not giving a toss about what others think... unless of course I get a particularly negative encounter. But the negativity always passes, sometimes in seconds, other times in weeks and then i can get on doing things that I enjoy again. It's not the healthiest way to live, but hey, at least I'm living.XeeraMasque

 Location: Australia
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Re: Feeling violated and victimized by EVERYONE
by MrEmMak         

First, you're very observant of what is going on around you. Impressive. 2nd, you're right, normals don't care how shattered you are. They don't even relate. They look at you like, "get it together, idiot." They have no clue what it's like to live in your shoes. That's not your fault. You've been given some different challenges and you will overcome them if you keep taking steps forward.

I can really only speak for myself, but I've seen other people with BPD to be similar. When we're not well, we're constantly searching for approval from other people. The more we get rejected, the more we search for approval.

The problem is, normals evolve emotionally very similar to each other and you've grown very differently. Searching for approval like you are is shallow to them. It's not always rewarding to them, that you're not relating on their level. They don't even know what's going on. They don't put much thought to it. They just know they're not drawn to you, then when they pull away, you freak out and now they have grounds to get the hell away.

Everyone has a different thought on this, but I'll say this. People with BPD understand you. As you recover, people who are also moving along well with their recovery will understand you. Most other people will not.

You cannot put your emotional well being into the hands of people who don't understand you. You can't even put it in the hands of people who do understand you. It HAS TO COME FROM WITHIN. You have to believe you have a purpose, your uniqueness makes you special and it will all work out. Tell yourself that. You have to believe it .

Friends will be difficult. You're a bit of an oddball, but as you get better you'll be drawn to the people who do appreciate you. Finding a significant other will work out. There are people who can see your struggle and really enjoy being in a relationship where they can help their partner.

There is no doom and gloom here. You're going through a tough spot. If you can focus within, love yourself and accept that sustaining friendships is going to be harder for you, it will work out. Keep trying. You're doing a really good job with what you're working with. It's a harder for you than most people, but when you come out the other end, you will have the most beautiful character. Your challenges will make you stronger. They already are.

Re: Feeling violated and victimized by EVERYONE
by the owls    

just wanna say i relate a lot. sometimes a lot of it is in our heads and sometimes its not. like, people without bpd don't freak out nearly as much when people don't text them back. we take it more personally because we're so sensitive to rejection/perceived rejection. but of course, our freaking out pushes people away cuz it's clingy and needy and nobody likes that. its a never ending cycle. it ######6 hurts. i'm trying to isolate myself so i don't have to hurt, but being alone hurts too. i wish there was an easy answer. know you're not alone, a lot of people on this board are going through the same thing.dx: borderline pd. bipolar w/ dysthymic baseline. anxiety. ptsd (mostly in remission).
 

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

"Behind every beautiful thing there's been some kind of pain” - Bob Dylan

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Re: Feeling violated and victimized by EVERYONE
by wildernessrealm    

Thanks a lot, guys. Really helped. I'm still feeling kinda down which gives me a bad case of writer's block but, I want to respond to all of you're thoughtful comments which I'l do later.

For now I just wanted to acknowledge everyone. wildernessrealm

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Re: Feeling violated and victimized by EVERYONE
by glosolli    

I completely relate as well.

I often wonder if people are selfish and don't think of me or if I've pushed them away myself. However, whenever I'm around people I feel as though people give me strange looks as well, people argue with me easily sometimes for no apparent reason it seems. Even though I stand my ground well I feel as though people try to get under my skin.

I've been denied having anything wrong with me because I seem normal when I throw on a different personality when I go out just to sustain sanity. I mean, it's me, but it's a distorted me that's acting okay and trying to connect, but feeling so hopeless and burdened beneath. When I go home I return to my self, my inside. That's if I go out at all. I've been staying in doors too, and sometimes I'm too strained to even go to the store to feed myself. It's actually a chore everyday even when I feel better and find some clarity throughout the day. The next day is a repeat and a reset of feelings, no matter what I do.

People are assholes, we have to accept it. Not everybody is an asshole, and not everybody is normal. I feel like people disregard mental illnesses far too much. I'm told to buck up and get it together and make changes. It means little to me. I try and try.

My friends will also often talk over me or barely acknowledge my presence. While I'm not always around and they act excited to have me over, I still feel left out in a way. People don't engage me or notice I exist. I go weeks without messages, yet I have a friends list of 300 from people I've met with work or from school or elsewhere.
glosolli

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Re: Feeling violated and victimized by EVERYONE
by Chaudement

Firstly, MrEmMak, your post is amazing. You're a very lovely person, and that made me think a lot about the future, and that it might be possible for people like us to have some sort of normality in our lives.

But Wildernessrealm, I relate 100%. I'm going through exactly the same thing at the moment, I'm very sensitive to how people react to me and how they look at me. I always ask why they're looking at me like that and get angry too. I think it is very common with people who have bpd to feel like this.

Glosolli, people are assholes. I agree completely, they disregard mental illness. They don't understand how it feels, what it feels like because they haven't been in our shoes. I'm sick of being told to get out there and buckle up, I just can't and noone understands why.

But I barely leave the house lately either, I can't stand being around anyone, I think everyone is an asshole, and I'm sick of being rejected. The more I look for approval, the more people reject me and walk all over me like a doormat because I'm so desperate to be with them and have them like me. I barely get txt messages, facebook messages. I isolate myself, and I have no real friends..I tend to push them all away somehow or another.

My roommate told me tonight that everyone in the house knows theres something wrong with me, they just don't know what it is. Is it that obvious to people (non's) how different we are?Dx: Avoidant/Borderline PD, EDNOS, Generalized/Social/Panic Anxiety disorder

You make this all go away,
I'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself,
I just want something I can never have..Chaudement

General Reflections on BPD  from website bpdinsideout.com by AJ Mahari

This was the comment that Linda, a 42 year old woman with BPD, who was diagnosed 8 years ago wanted to share:

"One of the paradoxes about BPD is that nonBPD people tend to see us as self-centered, when in reality, the opposite is true - many of our problems stem from not paying enough attention to ourselves, not putting ourselves at the center of our lives, not knowing we deserve to live and to be happy, and just generally habitually abandoning ourselves. I find it very irritating that people seem to think we are doing whatever we want at the expense of others, when most of us would be only too happy to know what we want and to feel entitled enough to it that we go after it no matter what others think."

Linda

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What follows are cuts from the diary of a Borderline:

"Cuts from my journal":

I feel like a shadow on a cloudy day.
even when the sun is shining I am more
or less insubstantial.
Whenever a cloud
passes in front of the Sun, I am gone.
The story of my life.              
A TIGHTLY CLENCHED FIST!   
When It Feels part II
Time moves
slowly
when I feel
not as others
must.

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Empty of all feeling. Nothing. Just time moving.

I'm getting bored alot now. I wonder if anyone here (the hospital) would understand a person wanting to hurt themselves just to relieve the bordom. When I'm feeling physical pain it somehow proves my own existence and eases the deadening sameness. When I'm hurt I'm feeling something other than "time moving"...

There's a restlessness building inside of me. Good or bad I want something to happen. I'm even willing to do something "bad" to make it happen...

The doctor says I've probably read more about BPD than he has. That is not encouraging.

"When It Feels" part III

anger, and crying, and sadness, and dying, and boredom, nail biting, nightmares, and fighting, and feeling, and thinking, and breathing, and drinking, and pain hurts... ...when it feels.

I don't want this pain anymore. I don't want this hurt anymore. I don't want these thoughts anymore. I don't want to want anymore.

"This Is Not A Poem"

There is no poetry in loneliness.
There is no happiness in being alone.
There is no solace in tears.
This is pain.
The sun shines down and I am sad. The weather is
warmer, the birds are singing and the promise of
spring feels like an impending burden. I want to
be happy. I want the rising temperature to signal
something more than a seasonal change. There should
be a renewal of hope. The Japanese would probably
call this "the poignancy of things". I call it hell.

I think I've been happy before.
I think sunny days have reaised my spirits and cheery songs have made
me smile. I think all of these things must have
been but I can't trust my thinking, can I?
Hopes and wishes all feel empty and my memories make me
want to cry. This is so hard!

There are things in the corner of my mind.
I should know.
I put them there.
They are dangerous, happy, sad things.
I think.
I don't know
But I should.
I put them there.
They come out of their own bidding.
And they make the air heavy and dead.
That awful silence before a storm.
And they make the air raging and violent.
A hurricane of thundering emotions.
When the air is deadened I hurt myself
Maybe I am dead too? The pain says I'm not.
When the air rages I hit walls.
Maybe someone will notice and shelter me
from the storm?...
When the closet door is closed, I am scared.
Maybe it will open soon?
When the closet door is open, I am scared.
Maybe it will never shut?
There is a bottle of pills inside my stomach.
I should know. I put them there.
I put them there to make me die.
That way I won't have to think.
About deadened silence.
And raging storms.
That's what I tell myself, anyway.
Maybe the true answer lies buried,
hidden there,
amongst the things,
In the closet of my mind.

Jeff B.

From A. J. Mahari's website

The Question: What would you say is the hardest thing about having Borderline Personality Disorder, for you? Why? Could you change this? Why or why not?

As a general rule I usually answer right away, but this one I have thought long and hard, because there is so much that I would want to change. The one thing that I would change, would be the extremes, the black and white thinking, good and bad, friend or enemies, and the list goes on. Even my personality the child vers the adult. By these extremes, I have ruin every relationship, every dream, every accomplishment, and the list goes on also. It won't just let me enjoy what I do have but rather I am looking for the oppisite and any given moment it can flip over the simplest things. That most of my other BPD traits come back to this. Suicide, Suicide Ideations, top of the world, I can do any thing... are of reflections of the extremes.

Could I change this? Why or why not?

I think that yes given time and money yes, all things are possible, it only when we stop trying that we fail. however I think it is a life long project, as it is for drug addicts. I may learn how to deal with it and change the way I perceive things. But I have to remember that It took 36 years to get into the shape I am in that this won't happen over night, that this is a process of two step forward and one step back. By constantly reminding myself this so that when the extremes hit that I am better prepared for them.

I will always be BPD, it just I don't have to act it and let it rule my life.   Lil

The hardest thing about having BPD is the inconsistency. It's as though both the enemy and the friend exist within me and i never know which one is going to decide to greet the day with me. One moment i'm fine and happy, the next i'm reactive, mis-interpreting others comments and explosive. I hate that calm before the storm. And after the storm, i become depressed for having succumb to my irrational thoughts yet another time. It's a never ending, tiring fight to keep some form of balance and stabiltiy in my life.

To change this, ideally, if i could contstruct a bridge between my intellectual rational mind and the emotions within me and have these two parts of myself learn to communicate with one another, maybe that would prevent some of my rollercoasters. I do think this is possible to do, or atleast partially, it just might take me some years..in fact many, but my belief is that it is possible.

Blair M.

The hardest thing for me is the fact that I have successfully destroyed every relationship I have ever been in :( I would change it (especially in my most recent case) because all I want is just one person that I can love, trust and share my life with. I keep finding good ones and destroying it. Destroying loving relationships is the one thing that I am most successful at. :(

Steve

Well - for me it is the ups and downs and the riding a rollercoaster - and also it is the lack of rationale behind the ups and downs - getting so irrational when you know that you are intelligent - but yet - you can't see for all is white or all is black. And then, the final thing - is blow outs - having them and then trying to clean up the mess afterwoods.

I could go on and on - the bottom line for me is that BPD is hard - fullstop. To single out a hardest thing about it - is not easy. It is all Hard. Mind you I just want you all to know - that even though this sounds depressing - I am not at all depressed at the moment.   Michelle

Top

For me the hardest thing about having BPD is knowing the "craziness" is going to come back, sooner or later. You work so hard to try to stop it but it catches you so off guard. I do have triggers, but most days they don't bother me and then the irrational seething, loathing anger will jump up and snatch at that trigger. When the storm passes, I look around me and cannot believe I could have done the things I have done, said the things I said, or thought the things I thought. In the throes of a storm, I think "I am an intelligent, sensitive, and dammit yes, a NICE human being. So why am I doing this?" I just mop up the mess, try to learn from it and go on.     Tracey

what i hate most about having bpd:

When I read this topic it made me pull up and ask myself some very basic questions:

have I really got this disorder?
what does it mean to have this disorder?
what does it mean to have ANY disorder?
are there other considerations involved in "having a disorder" other
than merely diagnostic parameter related issues? like:
political/social/economic issues (for instance, the old argument that
a lot of western psychiatric 'disorders' would evaporate under
different socio-economic and cultural conditions, and moreso when one
broadens the question to include a historical dimension)

When I got through this process (which, of course, i didn't solve!) I was left with this tentative understanding of the question, and my feeling about how it might relate to me:

to ask "what is the worst thing about having bpd" is roughly equivalent to asking: "what is the worst thing about being me, right here, right now?"

this formulation of the question naturally leads to the others proposed by AJ: What would I most like to change about myself?

to which I would have to answer:

"My tendancy to project out of my past and on to the present, issues which have been burned/branded into my psyche-being, beyond my conscious control"

(sometimes I feel like an anger-fountain, working with the force of a well-functioning fire-hydrant or flame-thrower, which something/someone keeps activating against my will, and against the best interests of civic peace and order and health).    Michael

My knee jerk response is the emotional intensity of my feelings. But I don't wish to lower the intensity of joy and love.

My rational response is the beliefs and fears I carry. Without them, my negative perceptions and my emotional reactions would not occur or cause me such internal distress.

The true hardest thing about having BPD for me is my desire to quit and give up. My ability to lose all hope when I'm most depressed is the most painful, the most destructive and the hardest thing to battle. I don't try, improve or change without hope.

Could I change this? Why or why not?

Change is always an option. The problem is whether I am willing to change and reinforce my beliefs.

This topic seems to have inspired a lot of people. I have seen so many heartfelt responses that touch me.     Deb

What I really hate about BPD is how I feel right now. Empty empty empty worthless worthless worthless. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS, I REALLY REALLY HATE THIS.    Bird

Top

For me the hardest thing about having BPD is:

To be unable to have normal relations with other human beings which is a result of me beeing unable to stand nearness.    Chris
 

The hardest thing for me right now - is having no sense of myself. I go from hour to hour having new ideas, career goals, relationship desires. I am never constant. And it is emotionally draining because just when I think I have it all together about what I want to do, be , etc.... I think of what it will take to get there and it seems to hard, too much work so then I lose interest and am back shuffling through an identity. I long for stability, in myself and for my surroundings.

I wish I could know exactly what parts of me are me and what parts are emotioal waste and which parts are bdo and which parts are other people's expectations. I haven't got a clue rught now.     Tai

11-25-09    It is Thanksgiving Eve.  It has been the most heart-racing roller-coaster ride these last 6 months.  Will it ever slow?  Why is life so unbearable?  Why do I have 3-degree emotional burns over 98% of my body?  Yes, there have been good times.  Things occurring in my life that make me feel proud of my accomplishments.  But I have an evil twin.  A dark side.  A borderline disorder of the worst degree.  I want to die - know it is the worst sin ever - would burn in a purgatory.... !  But I already do.  So what's the big deal?  I just want out of the pain.  I am sure someone who nearly perished in a fire, and with medicine to mask the pain would want to die, or a final-stage cancer victim feeling the pain of the cancer ripping through their body before "it" wins the battle, death comes and there is pain no more.  Distract, distract, distract chants my therapist.  Divert your attention to something else.  Be mindful of the moment, do not ruminate.  As Tom Cruise says in one of his movies, "Just tell the truth!" and Jack Nicholson shouts back, "You can't handle the truth."  The truth is:  "Life is Difficult", as Dr. Scott Peck begins his book "The Road Less Travelled".  We Borderline feel every bump and blip as if we had just gone through a major surgical operation, and someone took us for a ride in a horse and buggy on a cobble stone street!  Talk about pain! 

The more I learn about Borderline, (I was diagnosed almost 6 years ago), the more I read, the more I live Life, the more pain I experience, it does not get easier, it gets worse and more painful.  I am tough.  I can take physical pain.  I pride myself in being a tough little person that way.  But Oh My God, not emotional or mental pain.  That is the ultimate in wishing to be put out of my misery.  Through sleep,  (used to be) alcohol, (used to be) marijuana, relationships --anything to not have to feel.  To me "there", and not "here".  I feel that my epidermis is one big scab.  If I don't pick it myself, I (unconsciously) show others how to pick at it.  I have never lost my Faith in my Higher Power, but my prayers sure have slowed to a trickle.  I will add more tomorrow.

Is there anybody out there whom will listen? You all look at the strange things I (unintentionally) do or say and laugh. Do you think that I want to be this way?

How would you like to wake up everyday hoping that you don't take your own life, or wake up and think "Oh, my God, I hope that I don't do or say anything stupid or inappropriate today like yesterday."

How would you feel if you asked someone for their opinion and kept getting blown off, while whenever anyone else would ask them something, and that person gets an answer? I am not looking for sympathy; merely for understanding, people. People tell us "oh, that’s all in the past." Well, not for those of us whom are mentally ill. Everyday I see things (places, etc.) that brings the pain flooding back. You tell us when we go to you for spiritual based counsel "I don't think you're mentally ill." Would you say to someone that has cancer and in need of counsel to deal with it "I don't think you have cancer."? I didn't think so.

How would you like to be afraid of getting reprimanded whenever an authority figure asks to speak with you just because of how authority figures had abused you in the past in front of others, and even now you cannot enter the military or get afraid when you see police (though you have not done anything wrong) because of the way you perceive authority as abusive or something to be feared, and not something to get along with.

How would you like to have been so abused in school that even now you will not attend reunions because seeing those people both again and successful while you are still at home at 31 years old makes you angry at how un feeling they were? Don't give me that talk "all kids are like that." I write letters to people wanting at least an acknowledgment that they received my letter that I sent telling them what has been happening.

How would you people like it to also not attend reunions or weddings because you feel so inadequate that you are afraid if anyone asks you what you have been up to, and you tell them of your low-paying job and still being at home and are afraid that they would laugh, that you would actually physically harm them? Don't give me the shit "just ignore the girl" about why I should go to the wedding; isn't that why you go to those things? I know that if I would have been able to, and didn't have morals, that there would have been a few incidents back in school.

You all that are not mentally ill have no idea how something can seethe inside you still after all these years as if it just happened to you. We try, but a lot of us cannot "just get over it." The pain and our tears are real. We just want to be understood, not f eared or just as bad; ridiculed.

But how can we help you to understand that we need to talk to someone (not just a therapist, either) if you just keep blowing us off? No wonder I quit trusting and talking to people. I would love to see those of you whom have laughed at me( or would) try to deal with the fears and angers associated with borderline personality disorder just for 6 months. Let's see who's still laughing then.

Anonymous Person with BPD

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Acceptance and Control  

It's been over a month since my last post. This is not a bad sign; things have been very good with me lately.  I have no major news. What I've been working on the most has been acceptance. Acceptance is one of the most important parts of any 12-Step Program. Until now, I didn't really know what it meant, nor how to implement it in my life. But I've come to realize that I need to practice acceptance nearly every minute of every day.  

It's all about knowing that where I am right now and what I'm doing right now is exactly the way things are meant to be. I forgot to bring my mp3-player on the bus with me. It was meant to happen. My boyfriend just embarrassed me. It was meant to happen. I haven't written a blog entry in a month. It was meant to happen.  

This is a powerful tool. I've been in situations recently that might have lead to a severe "borderline moment" or even psychosis, but by accepting what was happening, I was able to nip it in the bud and get over it quickly. I can't stress enough how my life has changed because of this. Previously, I'd be getting stressed out over the tiniest of things. And then before I had time to recover, yet another thing would crop up to aggravate my temper. But now, I have control over it. 

At the Recovery International meetings, we're told about the little links (stressful situations) and the big links. Practice on the little links, and the big links will look after themselves. The same goes for acceptance. If I can accept that I've lost my phone, later I'll be able to accept it when my parents die.  

It's especially important for people with BPD to practice acceptance, because without it our lives will be in continuous turmoil, which invariably leads to self-destructive behavior. I can honestly say that I have had no desire to cut myself in the past few months, and thoughts of suicide have gone too. 

For anybody reading this who has heard of acceptance, but isn't really sure how to do it, just do as I've shown above; whenever you're in a stressful situation, just say to yourself, "This is meant to happen." I know that it works, and it can change your life.              

Anonymous Person with BPD

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DBT and Perseverance  

Some great news - I'll be taking part in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy soon after Easter! I had my consultation with a psychologist at the hospital today, finally, and basically she wanted to see if DBT was the right form of therapy for me. She seems to think it is. I'm over the moon, and very excited. 

In all, life is going well for me at the moment. The Disability Allowance has been a great help; it really takes a lot of the stress out of my life. Working is great too; it gives structure to my day and keeps me grounded. 

My relationship with my boyfriend has improved too - all because of a change in my behavior. I no longer keep my feelings bottled up until they burst. When I feel uncomfortable, I say so, and do something about it. If I don't want to do something, I no longer say, "I don't mind doing it if you want to" - I just say no. 

It has been difficult, but the perseverance has really paid off. I feel great in myself these days. I have to work at it every day, but the results are so overwhelming that there's no way I'd want to stop.

Anonymous Person with BPD

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Borderline Personality Rage

Today the plan should of have been to stay home and just avoid society as the Nardil withdrawal has been kicking my ass. No patience, sore bones and a brain that cannot decide what kind of mood it wants to be in. The problem with my great plan was that I needed to go to the pharmacy to pick up the rest of my Seroquel pills for the month so I psyched myself up then put on my best smiley happy face and made my way out the doors. This great sense of being lasted till I jumped into my car and reality came crashing back down, oh well at least I tried. On the way to the store my brain was stuck on this notion that my meds would not be in which basically leaves me screwed. So instead of doing the healthy thing which is preparing a back up plan I took the BPD route and prepared for a confrontation or a rage as those people in white coats call it. My brain pieced together a plan of attack which was along the lines of "The hell with your excuses this is my life you are messing with" and then I ran through every possible response that I could think that they could use then prepared my response to it to ensure all bases were covered. These poor people had no idea what was coming but turns out they would never find out as my meds were there waiting.

Rage is a big part of Borderline Personality Disorder and probably a main part that fuels the stigma but rage like a lot of different areas of this illness is not what it appears. People think that when a person enters a rage that they have no control over their emotions and there is no logic just frustration attached to it, in my case ah no. For me ninety eight percent of my rages are completely in control and for the most part have been rehearsed well in advance. The logic behind it is pretty simple the person did something that I did not like so I need to make sure it does not happen again so here comes the rage. I know this is not the proper way and it is very rare that I actually go this route anymore. For a long time rage would "appear" when someone would say something that would jeopardize the stability of my very rocky false self image so I had to respond to make sure it would not repeat and sometimes the best solution to get people to listen is to yell or teach them a painful verbal lesson. I use to have this mentality that if you hurt me I will destroy you which I really probably should not admit too but that is the reality and I am very good at it. Manipulation factors in here as well and here is an example. Say you want to get rid of the girlfriend but you don't want to look like the bad guy so you set up a rage to make it look like it is her fault. You direct the conversation till she says something that could be considered as a trigger then you let the rage do all of the work which normally ends the relationship. Mentally my BPD is thinking if she did not set off the rage then the relationship would not have ended so it is her fault and I have no guilt over it even though I completely controlled the whole ending. How does my brain justify this? If she knew me better she would have never would have been led down the path that led to the rage. Nice eh. Guilt is a foreign concept when it comes to BPD for guilt happens when you do something wrong or ashamed of but everything a BPD does is right or at least it is to them. This is also the same reason why most people with Borderline Personality Disorder will never be officially diagnosed as they do not see anything wrong with the way they think and the people in their lives who keep suggesting they get help are just jealous that we have more control over our lives then they do which means they are the ones who really need the help, and seem to be acting out of their jealousy.                                                                 

This is a BPD slogan if you will when it comes to confrontations "I may not always be right but I am never wrong". Never get in an argument with someone with pure BPD as you will never win and they will never admit that you are right. By admitting they were wrong puts their whole self image out of whack which they can not allow happen as their entire life is based off of certain perspectives that they have created and one dent in the armor may lead to the whole mirage to crumble. Like I said when you’re at the height of BPD you will protect the false self image with your life and the only thing that matters is to keep their creation on a pedestal for when it falls they fall. Rage is the wall that surrounds the castle and designed to keep all enemies out no matter how much they may make sense.

For me to drop my "wall" the first thing I had to realize and come to terms with is what I was protecting was not really there. There is no castle just a bunch of ideas and perspectives of who I thought I should be to keep myself safe and not who I actually am. The real me is running around naked in a field trying to figure out what the hell happened and how to put the pieces back together the right way. Take care. 

Anonymous Person with BPD

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Link How dangerous is the person who has the disorder? How should a friend react to the psychosis?  Pat Devono, Akron, OH

2. June 15, 2009 6:19 pm

Link Do you have advice for helping someone to get help, especially when they don’t believe that anything’s wrong with them?

(”It’s not me, it’s the world that’s crazy” — that’s a direct quote.)

(I should add that this person is my mother, and that she’s in her 50s, and has had the symptoms since she was young.)  — rather not say

3. June 15, 2009 6:47 pm

Link It’s a common misperception that people with mental health disorders are dangerous (whether it be Borderline, Bipolar, Schizophrenia etc).

Research has shown that people with mental health issues are actually more likely to be the victims/survivors of violence and abuse.

As with the general population, there are going to be people that perpetrate and are victims of violence and abuse. This is why it is important to avoid generalizing populations based on race, class, gender, mental illness, sexual identity etc.

The best thing anyone can do to help a person with a mental illness is to educate themselves about it. A great professional and credible resource for BPD is:

http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/
Kind Regards, Cheri E Faris MSW, RSW Toronto, Ontario Canada

Link I have BPD and Bipolar disorder and I attended ten weeks of DBT–I don’t feel that it has helped me very much at all. I’m recently on Zeldox which is doing more for me than DBT has. Should I take another workshop? I fear I may not have grasped it completely and I could use a non-pharmaceutical way of dealing with my rapidly shifting emotions and for when I’m in crisis.   — Amanda

Link I realize that the term “manipulative” is pejorative and disfavored, yet it accurately describes my sister (diagnosed with BPD, among other things) who uses the threat of self harm very effectively to get whatever she wants, such as money, undivided attention, etc. I am so tired of her holding my parents hostage with her constant suicide threats and non-lethal (yet scary) self-harming behavior that I find myself thinking some very awful things (like how much better off we would all be if she would just get it over with…) How would you recommend helping my parents deal with this situation? My parents were not saints when we were growing up, but my sister has exacted her revenge on them and then some. FYI, my sister has already been through a dialectical behavior therapy program, which did not help her one iota, from what I can observe. — Jill

Link My neice is mid-20s and a single mother with a 9 year old son. Based on my description of her behavior in conversations with a therapist, she may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. If she refuses treatment, what can concerned family members do to encourage stability for her and encourage her to be a more loving and attentive mother ? — Concerned Family Member

Link My situation is like that of ‘rather not say’. With my mother, I ‘pay attention to the feeling’ not the situation and am able to diffuse conflict, but getting her to act and do something seems impossible. Her advancing age provides another challenge to the situation, as we want her to make decisions she just doesn’t seem to want to make (or seem capable of making) : choices like getting into an independent living facility, have joint surgery to relieve pain and on and on. Instead she chooses to live like a bag lady. When they’re faced with ‘traumatic’ choices, how do you help a BPD navigate stressful situations?  — LR

Link What is a helpful way to deal with abandonment issues?

If you can’t get suffient treatment such as DBT ie it’s not available what else can you do to help yourself if you really want control of your life back?  Anon

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Link What would be tthe most effective way for a family member to deal with their loved one’s self-injuring, if the consumer does not have a psychiatrist or a therapist and refuses to see a professional (because of years of lack of success with any treatment.) DBT for consumers and/or family members is vitually nonexistent in our area and financial constraints are a problem. It is also very difficult to locate therapists and psychiatrists who accept Medicare and Medicaid.

I have completed a modified DBT course for family members which has been helpful, but how to talk to our daughter about her self-injuring is an area that I need help with.

Thank you for all you have done for consumers and families re BPD. — Carol

Link RE:“Your problem is that you don’t how to regulate yourself, and I can teach you how.” Doesn’t every therapy or treatment take this approach?

One of the main issues I see is that people with BPD are more likely to have addiction issues, and when these people are in trouble with the law, they’re either warehoused in prison along with others who are mental illness or criminals that can prey on these types, or place into treatment program that do not address their dual diagnosis. Who is saying to society.” Your problem is that you don’t know how to regulate your mental ill population?” — Theodore A. Hoppe

Link People with BPD are not psychotic. With understanding and compassioin, they can be helped.

Please note that I am neither a therapist nor a social worker. I am trained in DBT, develped a family curriculum to change the environment for people with BPD based on DBT and teach families DBT based coping skills through the TARA (Treatment and Research Advancements) National Association for Personality Disorder. TARA holds support and psycheducation meetings for people with BPD and their loved ones in NYC and around the nation http://www.tar4bpd.org.  — Valerie Porr, MA

Link My sister has had BPD since her teen years & can not hold down a job & she is in her 40’s. We all try to support her but it is draining all of us financially, esp since she has no health insurance & obviously no income. She claims she is trying to get disability but I don’t know if that will happen as she lies a lot too. She also impulsively commits crimes, like fraud, and we feel it is only a matter of time before she is in jail for good. Any advice would be appreciated.  — T

Link Usually someone with BPD is NOT dangerous. This view that tends to accompany mental illness as a whole must not be perpetuated.

For the writer asking where to get help? If you are in a major city - at any major psychiatric centre with a psychiatric department - they should be able to recommend treatment - i.e. Linehan’s DBT model - and a clinic/provider.

Good luck.

This illness is much more treatable than once thought.  — Sophie

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Link I think people (non-psychiatric/psychology people) all too readily diagnose “difficult” people in their lives as having borderline personality disorder. It has a nasty stigma attached to it and by attaching it to a difficult person in their life, the other person lets themselves become the victim and then receives sympathy from others. This is unfair to persons with actual BPD. The people with whom they live and work are not “victims” and they shouldn’t be encouraged to act as if they are. These victims then absolve themselves of being part of the actual problem.

There are character traits and then there are personality disorders. Where does the distinction lay?  — Also would rather not say

Link My question echoes commenter #2:

What do you do when it’s your mother who is borderline, and who insists there is nothing wrong with her (and that she will never change, cannot change, and does not need to change)? She told her husband and children “if it weren’t for you, we’d have a happy family”.

My mother scared the hell out of her children during our growing-up years, and yes she was manipulative beyond belief, with a frightening mean streak. She was highly alert to & very vindictive towards any perceived slight or infraction. We never knew what would set her off, so there was no consistency except for inconsistency.

Sometimes she would be nice, pleasant & reasonable, but not very often. She interpreted most of the behaviors that constitute normal childhood development as personal attacks against HER.

Every attempt to “connect” with her was turned away; she insisted that she was the adult & that we children could not have anything valid to say about her behavior.

Sympathy and/or empathy was particularly rejected; she viewed it as others talking down to her. She was “fine” and didn’t need help - that was her mantra - and when her children sought therapy for ourselves, she told us it was because WE were the crazy ones. My childhood was definitely an Alice-through-the-looking-glass experience.

I see some of her behaviors/reactions in myself, and I worry that I have inherited her tendencies. I don’t know to what degree my fear is reasonable, and I wonder if you can speak to the inevitable nature/nurture issue.

I spent many years in therapy in an effort to put together a reasonably normal adulthood for myself, and I have largely succeeded - BUT the underlying fear and the hair-trigger reactions are still there, just below the surface. I have learned to manage them better, and as mentioned in the article, I find a stable, calm home life to be invaluable in keeping myself on a reasonably even keel.  — S.

Link I have taken Valerie Porr’s excellent classes for parents and loved ones of people with this disorder. The skills I learned from Ms. Porr’s organization, TARA4bpd.org saved my child’s life. Anyone who cares about a person with BPD should contact TARA (Treatment and Research Advancements) National Association for Personality Disorder.  — optimistic parent

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Link My mom is a borderline who was treated at UW for a while. Because she was also a psychologist, I read the DSM as a child and diagnosed her before I was ten, and it was confirmed later by professionals. She regularly hit me for “thinking bad things” and for not doing things that I should have known she wanted me to do, but didn’t actually ask for because they were too obvious. She told me about her suicide attempts, and said they were because I was so mean to her, including the one when I was 3 years old. She told me that she knew by the time I was 6 weeks old that I was a sociopath without emotions, so she didn’t have to feel bad about hitting me because it didn’t really affect me. Rages and tantrums were a regular event in our house, and I was her special target. After every assault, she would demand that I hug her and tell her that she was a good mother, which I generally did not do and got more slapping as a result. Under the circumstances I found it impossible to come back the next day “in a loving way” as recommended in the full-length article above, and spent my childhood angry and anxious. After therapy at UW her extreme emotional swings were ameliorated somewhat, although she still has fixed false beliefs. Borderlines have a reputation for manipulativeness for a reason, and that is that their outbursts, tantrums and delusions are so often suspiciously self-serving. If you are professional, as I am (MD), treat them by all means with loving consistency, help them reframe, help them come up with successful life strategies. But if you are drawn to one romantically, get the hell out of there before there are children involved. — Karen

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Link My older sister is a beautiful, musically and verbally talented person, and can be very charming when she chooses to be so. What I find immensely difficult and exhausting, however, is that she requires so much soothing and affirmation with respect to her appearance, talents, and recognition as a “good” person, “good” mother, “good” friend, “good” sister, and so on.

Over the years, (she’s almost 50), she has fallen into numerous intense relationships with people where she wears the “good” hat and tries to rescue and fix people who really don’t seem interested or even in need of these gestures. All of her relationships seem to share this same theme of asymmetry; she overwhelms the people she tries to have relationships with by doing all sorts of extreme and outlandish acts of kindness and generosity, and either sets herself up to be horribly exploited, or scares people off with her intensity. I always know she’s headed for crashing disappointment when she declares that so-and-so is so wonderful, they are just like family, etc. For a while, she experiences their appreciation, but it is as if she tightens a noose around them when they try to separate a little and establish some personal boundaries. At this point, she falls into these prolonged rages against the person, and tries to summon support from anyone who will listen to how she was taken advantage of, abused, and treated with no consideration or respect for all that she has done for so-and-so.

It’s as if she has no sense of the rhythm, pace, reciprocity and “social dance” that are part of the dynamics of creating meaningful and lasting friendships. Relationships take time, but my sister behaves like an emotional stripper, telling all, sharing all, and feeling all in a one night stand. First I hear that the person is all wonderful, and within months or even less time, she “realizes” that the person is the most horrible and wicked person to walk this earth. In her mind, there seems to be no gray zone, where people are just people, more or less trying to do their best most of the time, and too preoccupied with their own lives to dedicate the time to deliberately scheme plots to wound her and cause her pain.

In the last several years, I was stretched to sheer exhaustion, and the constant repetition of events and the never-ending need to use every conversation to suck me dry of praise and compliments. Mind you, I have been raising teenagers, and that alone has been enough to sap my energy and patience! My relationship with her reached a critical juncture several years ago when she tantrummed and raged at my husband when we did not welcome her into a serious family crisis involving one of our children. While my husband had grown accustomed to her patterns of inconsistency and instability, he was horrified at her vitriolic raging against him, and he demanded that I indefinitely suspend contact with her until our teenager’s situation had met some conclusion. It was painful and difficult to lay out the boundaries with her, yet it was also so relieving, as if someone had removed a demanding toddler from my living room.

Not long after this, a mutual friend who is also a psychologist told me that my sister has Borderline Personality Disorder, which I did not know. For the record, I am completely unaware of any suicidal attempts or gestures, but I know over the years that she has suffered from depression, and severe anxiousness and panic episodes and I still wonder if this diagnosis is indeed correct. She had mentioned numerous times of various people she knew who did have this disorder, and I scoffed at it and told her it was probably the latest “fad” illness. Looking back, I see that it is possible that she was perhaps trying to invite me to somehow accept her reality, which I unfortunately did a poor job of doing by dismissing the possibility that such a disorder even exists.

Our family crisis has passed and so has time. We kept in touch via e-mail and some phone calls even though we lived nearby. At this point, however, I am hesitant to throw open the door and resume the exhausting relationship I had had with her. I don’t know how to proceed. Most of her communications up to this period have focused on her suspicions that she has a complicated physical illness that the doctors can never seem to identify or resolve. According to her reports, her health has been very fragile since we last visited in person several years ago and she spends large amounts of time in bed. Although it might very well be true, I am leery that this is just one more of her needy ploys to gather sympathy and attention.

I would like to have a relationship with her that doesn’t overwhelm me or my husband and I don’t know how to proceed. I’m not expecting her to change, nor do I desire to take on a role of being an agent of change in her life. She’s an adult, and this is something she will have to choose to work on or not.

What really needs to change is me. Although I miss her, and she is my sister, I am afraid of her rages and her low threshold for not having things go her way. I truly don’t know how to navigate a relationship where the mines go off at the most unexpected moments, places, and times. Also, in her company, I can never be me. I feel pressured and manipulated into agreeing with just about anything she says or reports, just to keep her in good spirits. It makes me sad, because I feel like she doesn’t have a genuine interest to know me, or my interests, or ideas. Inside when I am around her, I feel stiff, nervous, and worried that I will say the wrong thing and all hell will break loose.

With all this said, you may wonder why I even want to see her again, but she is my sister and I love her, no matter how twisted and complicated things can be with her.

Should I ask her if she has this disorder? Wouldn’t it be better to wait for her to tell me when she sees fit? Can I ever hope to have permission to just be me, an ordinary and imperfect person who doesn’t have to be a mirror that agrees and confirms a distorted view of reality all the time? And if there was room for just a little hope for that, how would I even begin to build a more genuine relationship with her? These questions run circles in my mind, and meanwhile, life is passing by.

I would be very grateful for any suggestions you might have.

-please do not print my name. — anonymous

Link My mother, who died in 1998 of Alzheimer Disease, was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and a narcissistic personality disorder. When I talked to the geriatric psychiatrist he said “I bet that all these years YOU were the one who thought you were crazy”.

I have two questions:

1. Could you explain how these two diagnoses work together? Even after a decade, I am still unpacking the baggage of life with mom.

2. Is there a connection between BPD and dementia? (We did have a brain biopsy done after mom died, and the Alzheimer’s was confirmed)    Barbara

Link re: #2: I’ve dealt with this extensively in people close to me, and what I can tell you is, the best approach is a combination of separating from the person with BPD, so she can’t disturb your own serenity; and firmly directly her toward DBT. You can’t help someone who is in denial, but what you can do is corral her so that she can’t act out to make you miserable.

If her phone calls or visits to your home make you feel stressed and angry, don’t take her calls and don’t have her over. Erect boundaries and stick to them. Yes, I mean it. Don’t put up with the behaviors. Just cut off interaction when they begin and don’t allow opportunities to arise. Because it’s through these behaviors that BPDs externalize their distress and blame it on others. If they don’t get their way in doing that, and enough people refuse to allow them to, they may eventually decide to seek help. But what never works is “trying to help”, because they feel threatened and act defensively and then, a split second later, often offensively. So you can’t do that much. But what you can do, while protecting yourself, also can work to help them if they choose to take it. As the airline attendants say, Put the oxygen on yourself first.

This does, of course, require that you be willing to be vilified as the Bad Guy. But you can handle that, because you are a sane adult. Get counseling support in dealing with this if you need to. And really, what’s the difference in her being furious with you? Isn’t she furious with you most of the time anyway? Pretend you are dealing with a teenager and it will all make sense.

What I’ve seen work is DBT, mood stabilizers and antipsychotics (ie, medications standard for bipolar), and psychotherapy that works with the DBT. Clients love DBT, btw, because it helps them feel in control and calm.

And the argument, “it’s not me, it’s the world that’s horrible to me,”—so what else is new? Lots of us feel that way a lot of the time. But we can’t do anything about the world, only ourselves. To find sanity in a crazy world is the task of most humans. Unlike other people, BPDs just never learned this on their own. But with specific help, they can.  — yucca
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Link A neighbor was recently hospitalized after bizarre behaviors such as spinning in circles in my backyard, with what looked like a large carrot dangling from her mouth. She destroyed property in her own home and in my yard. On an earlier occasion, though she knew I lived in this house and though I’d never done anything more than wave to her, she claimed I was stalking her, pulled out a cell phone, and said loudly, “911″ though actually she called a friend. There is no one home to supervise most of the time. I was told she is not returning, but she is an adult and can’t be hospitalized against her will unless deemed a danger to herself or others. I am afraid she will return and I worry that she will break in, harming my pet and/or doing damage. Are these people violent? Should I be afraid of her?    — WastingTime

Link I have been in treatment for 20+ years for BPD. I have learned to live with my problem by insulating myself from the world. I have no friends — my only human interaction is with a therapist and a priest — otherwise I stay home alone reading and doing things where I don’t need anyone. I don’t go out in public for any reason unless I must. I have good job where no one really bothers me except to ask questions and receive information.

BPD is a disease which ver few people understand. Isolation, while neither my therapist or priest agrees, works for me. — BPD STILL ALIVE @ 47

Link My daughter has had four suicide attempts, and is now in an intensive 6 month outpatient DBT program. If she participates fully and completes the program, what is the chance that she can lead a productive and happy life? Thanks.  — shield for privacy

Link Borderline Personality Disorder is not a mood disorder. It is a personality disorder. One symptom can be labile (unstable moods).  Mark LIpson, L.M.S.W.

Link My daughter was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager. She was hospitalized numerous times, three trials of ECT.

None of the treatments helped her. She alternated between denying anything was wrong with her to a state where she was overtaken by extreme depression and agitation.

She ultimately took her life at the age of 40. Her outlook, her body, her lack of sleep — everthing conspired to make her believe that there was no hope or help for her.

this is a very servious disorder and the sooner the patient discovers cognitive behavioral therapy the better. I think CBT has the power to break through all the negative thinking.

Saddened Mother  — Betty

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Meds Appointment  (Unknown) 

Today has been quite a day.  I had my meds appointment and we spent quite a long time talking about the meds I'm on, and there doses. Two of them went up. Mostly because we are questioning if I'm getting the full benefit. Then we added one, to help treat other symptoms. 

I think we have the ingredients of my meds cocktail figured out. Now we just have to fine tune it. How much and how often, basically.  We spent awhile talking about my paranoia, dissociative disorder and depersonalization disorder. The paranoia will be helped by the increase in the anti-psychotic. The other two will just have to be dealt with. I'm only borderline in them. 

Imagine that, I'm borderline in something. LOL So many people spend so much energy fighting the name borderline personality disorder. It simply doesn't make sense. I'm borderline a rough dozen other illnesses, but I don't actually have any of them. So I'm borderline with the diagnosis borderline personality disorder. Borderline in all the personality disorders, borderline personality disorder... It makes perfect sense to me where the name comes from. I think less energy should be spent on fighting the name and more energy finding a cure and treating those who need help. Hmmm, seems like common sense to me. Then again, common sense isn't common. 

I dunno. I'm not trying to offend anyone. Lord knows I've said more offensive things in my life. I'm sure there are plenty of good reasons that the name should be changed. I just happen to believe the name should be left alone.

Anonymous Person with BPD

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Foggy brain    (Unknown)

I'm exhausted from a very long and tiring work week. I notice that I am getting tired about 2 hours before I leave. Then things seem difficult, as if I can't see my way. It's like being in a fog. But my brain just won't function. And I get very indecisive. That's going to get me into a lot of trouble. I'm racking up writing hours without doing any writing. They will pay attention to their statistics and notice that I am slow. 

When I was on Effexor and the devil drug, Zyprexa, my mind was always in a fog and my memory severely limited. Now that I'm off those and Lexapro, my brain has come back to me. But I'm wondering if the foggy brain that I'm having is meds-related, or just natural. 

Does anyone else get so tired during the day that they become non-functional? And is it BPD related? I don't remember being at a full time job and becoming this tired in the late afternoon. I remember being foggy, but for long periods of time, when I was a book editor. Sometimes I used to take a 15 minute nap at work during the middle of the day.   Or is it age? I'm 49 now. I've got to find a remedy for it. 

My sleeping is not very good. I ended up taking something to put me to sleep last night--one of the meds that will show up on a drug test weeks later. So the more trouble I have sleeping, probably the longer it will be until I get my FAA physical and drug test. My regular MD has put me on Neurontin. One of the side effects of it is to make you sleep at night. Also, it supposedly calms anxiety. She's ramping me up quickly on it, which is good. But I don't know if it is going to be effective in putting me to sleep at night or not. Seroquel might do it. But I don't know if it shows up as a flagged drug or not. I know that several of you have used Seroquel. Does it work for putting you to sleep? And do you have a hangover the next morning? Can't have any drugs that last a long time. 

I am flying now (will go out again on Sunday with a different flight instructor) and so with that, and with needing to be fully brain functional all day at work, I have to be careful what I take. That's why the med that I take now is so good. It's a benzodiazapam type, but it doesn't seem to have hangover effects. Except, of course, that it stays in the body for weeks afterward. 

I don't take my Ritalin very regularly any more. It's possible, I suppose, that ADD is causing me to lose focus. But that doesn't explain the afternoon syndrome.  Time to relax. I wish I could go to sleep early. But I doubt that my mind is going to let me do that.  And so the drama continues.   Anonymous Person with BPD

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Borderline Personality Disorder in Older People

It is well known that many people with the borderline personality disorder (BPD) "get better" as they age. They experience less symptoms and lead a calmer life. This is not true of everyone but for many this is the case. 

Something else happens as a person with the BPD ages. She (most are female) isolates more and avoids relationships as she grows older. Again, this appears to be a trend but everyone is different.  

One of the criteria for the borderline disorder in the DSM IV is "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation." Because she experiences so much intensity in her relationships, experiencing much emotional pain and chaos, she seems to "burn out" in later years. 

One woman wrote "I was diagnosed with BPD about 10 years ago but mostly have been treated for depression for clinicians without much BPD experience. Anyway, while I used to have unstable relationships with a lot of volatility and craziness when someone left me, now I just don't have relationships. I've kept myself away from any kind of romantic relationship for years, and while I have relationships with a few family members, I don't share a lot of what is going on.  

I spent one year about three years ago entirely isolated -- I stayed home and didn't talk to anyone. Now I'm a little more social but generally I don't talk to people about personal things and even when I'm at a social engagement I enjoy I have to come home and balance it out with hours and hours (usually at least 24 hours) of being alone.

Part of it is that I just became so horrified at my own behavior toward people I cared about that I cut myself off from everyone. When I'm by myself I can be in my own little fantasy world, and even though it is lonely, it is less lonely than being with other people and having to face the fact that I just don't have a lot to offer anymore.

I'm going to be 40 in a few months, and I've lost so much -- career-wise, intelligence-wise, socially -- due to this illness that I'm not the same person I used to be and I can't like who I am. I barely have a life. I'm just curious if social avoidance is where other borderlines head as they get older. It IS less painful than the craziness."   Anonymous Person with BPD

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"Well, I was very interested to read what other “older” BPD’s (people with borderline personality disorder) have to say about isolating from relationships and social gatherings. I am 44 years old and was diagnosed just prior to turning forty. While most of the time I am symptom free, like all of us I de-compensate under stress and have sought ways to eliminate stressful situations. I think, for me there came a realization that relationships, and not just romantic ones, are the single most potent source of stress in my life. I found myself keeping to myself more and more as I entered into treatment.

A couple of things happened during this time. First, I learned how to be with myself, got to know myself more, worked harder at my career and spent more time as a parent. All of this led me to love and appreciate who I am and taught me some valuable skills in regard to self-care and self-security. In time, I became more and more open to relationships. I have a “significant-other” and though we have tried to live with each other but have found that (for now) we do best with a little space built in to the relationship. I have new friendships as well but even these relationships are protected from too much "enmeshment." 

In retrospect I can see how my past relationships were so intense that they simply burned out. I am starting to realize that unhealthy people attract unhealthy people. It was not only me who was behaved in dysfunctional ways in these past relationships. There were many interactions going on. However, I can only deal with my own diagnosis and self-understanding. I am very careful now about whom I let into my life, I take things slow and easy. Knowing that I am my own best friend helps me to evaluate my relationships a little more evenly than in the past. 

I do wonder if borderline personality disorder is simply an overreaction to an extreme need to learn how to take care of oneself. It seems the more I do that, the healthier I am. I am the one person who will not abandon me. And yes, I do spend more time alone, less now than as I entered into recovery but certainly a lot more than when I was extremely ill. I am as healthy as I have ever been and I do attribute some of that wellness to solitude. 

This is my truth, for what it is worth.   Anonymous Person with BPD

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Borderline Personality Disorder Person Becomes More Isolated  

I also agree that as I have become older I have become more isolated. Though I have engaged in a "new" relationship about a year ago, I still find myself wanting to pull away. Much of it does have to do with my previous behavior in past relationships as you wrote in your letter, but I think a lot of it has to do with the responses from others to my past behaviors, as well. 

I have come to the point to where I can understand somewhat how my behaviors came to be and how I acted on the fears of abandonment and isolation from others. I can accept that this is the basis for my disease process and I have learned how to change my thoughts and actions and realize that my beginnings do not necessarily make for my end (for the most part). 

But I still think at times that everyone may find me as reproachable as I think I am. I'm not so worried about my past behaviors as i guess i am about how others will react to me now. i, too, find that i am burned out with relationships. I'm tired of pretending to be things that I'm not. I'm tired of pretending to be happy...to be sad.. to be sane. I'm tired of the "eggshells" that I see in myself, not so much those that are seen by others. I've learned enough about my disease to now be appropriate with others and sometimes I just don't WANT to be appropriate with myself. I want to just be left alone to my thoughts and feelings, or lack thereof, and hide in my own world whether it's screwy or not. 

I don't want to be in a situation where I have to fear others or myself. I want to be just me. 

I admit that I still, daily, deal with suicidal thoughts. not always the ideations and attempts, but still the thoughts. I have accepted that this, too, is part of my disease process and as long as i can remember that I do ok. but sometimes, especially this time of year, I don't want to fight even those feelings. I'm not actively suicidal, but I do tire of the race against myself. I seem to do that better when I'm alone than when I'm with others. with others it feels like I can't feel or think about it because it's not 'appropriate' and I'm sick of bothering those around me with what goes on in my head and my heart despite their words of encouragement and support. when I'm by myself i don't have to worry about it. I can just handle it all as best as i can without feeling a burden. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that much of my wanting to isolate isn't so much the fear of my behaviors as it is dealing with the responses of those around me to my thoughts and behaviors. Does that make any sense?? 

I also agree that it's much lonelier with others than it is with myself. i don't have to always be entertained. So how sick is all of this??

 Anonymous Person with BPD

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Older Borderline Personality Disorder Person In Isolation  

I completely agree with the writer describing the isolation of us older BPDers. I'm 43 years old and decided several years ago that I should remove myself from society as much as possible. The only times I leave the house are to get groceries or to go see my Dad, my uncle or my best friend of 30+ years. I've lost all of my many, many friends who, I think, gave up on me as my illness progressed (and was compounded by drug use). I decided that it would be best for me and everyone else to just stay home and away from society, that it would be easier for me and everyone else. I never get lonely because I've got my dog and cat. I'm still married, but I've pretty much retreated from that as well. Works for me!

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Borderline Personality Disorder Older Person Isolating  

I'm 42 and I would love to tell you that my symptoms have decreased as I've got older but they haven't. I've learned more about everything having to do with borderline personality disorder, especially my responsibilities as far as my behaviors. I have however kept to myself and my immediate family much more than ever. 

I don't have any friends anymore and that's mostly because I just feel so weird and more like I don't know how to talk to people any longer. It was getting so stressful feeling like more and more work mentally to have a discussion. BUT..I get extremely lonely and have more empty feelings now which half the time leads me to more self loathing which I hate. I just never noticed or looked around before so much as now. 

About a year ago I was in-voluntary admitted into the hospital and while I was in there I was raped by another patient who I learned later had recently been released from prison for raping other women. I learned so many things about other people's reactions and thoughts towards bpd when this happened that I'm not sure I'll ever trust or feel like it's ok to tell a doctor much. I think I've gotten off my original thinking when I started writing this, not uncommon for me actually. I guess what I'm trying to say is I do spend a lot more time by myself now and there are times when it feels so good to just be me and do what I want but I also have more times when I begin feeling down and I fall a lot harder and begin thinking of suicide. In some ways I regret not making myself fight the feelings of wanting to isolate more with my self. This may be because I never felt as self conscience before about having bpd like now either. I'm losing track of all my thoughts so I better quit.          Anonymous Person with BPD

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Borderline Personality Disorder Person Involved with Alcoholics Anonymous (12 Step Program)  

My support is through the fellowships of AA (alcoholics anonymous) and SLAA. I also go to therapy weekly and have been on 100mg of Zoloft until recently. I am 66 years old. 

I am probably the best I have ever been but without the Zoloft I am experiencing some anxiety, poor sleep etc. However this could partly be due to a new and potentially wonderful relationship. I have been divorced for 13 years and have had several relationships during that time. I was not on any medication until about five years ago when i was prescribed 50mg of Zoloft which was increased to 100mg a couple of years ago. 

I have to be very careful with my reactions with this man and not taken everything so seriously. He has gone overseas for Christmas and I am relieved in one sense of getting myself grounded once again. Relationships of any sort have been the most difficult area in my life. However if I can use the tools of the 12 step program, live as stress free as I can etc. hopefully it will work out. 

I have recently retired from my social work job counseling with Vietnam Veterans and their families. This was pretty stressful and I also had my sense of self tied in there as well.  

I grew up in the country and when my parents separated when I was 8. I was sent to boarding school. I felt very ashamed of my family - in those days divorce was very rare. Nothing was spoken about what happened to us and of course I blamed myself. My parents did not know what to do - it would have been useful to have explained to us that it was not our fault and they loved us etc. but that did not happen. 

During my 20s I had shock treatment (ECT) twice and was finally prescribed valium which worked beautifully for me and only 17 years ago did I go to detox and stopped using that drug and also alcohol. 

Our supervising psychiatrist told me one day that 50% of people in AA have borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder which did not surprise me. but they would all say that their problems are due to alcohol and that they are the "isms " of their disease of alcoholism. 

The support of 12 step programs is crucial to me and also the service that we are asked to do e.g. sponsorship maintains a good mental state.     Anonymous Person with BPD


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Borderline Personality Disorder Older Person 

I am forty five years of age and diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. BPD is a disorder that literally cries out for help, and if you are a bit lucky, like me, you do find quality support. My instability is there. Sometimes, when provoked, it comes out. Still, as one researcher has stated, borderlines have a sense of reality and they get dressed when it's cold and so forth. So I have learned that some sort of behavior will make me feel better than other behavior. For instance, if I have blown it in public, I don't need to hide and avoid going out again, like I did before. I can talk to some psychiatric service and focus on more functional behavior. I know the signs of vulnerability, and I'm more aware that it's not good to push myself too hard. I'm better at selecting people who support me, and to get myself out of harmful situations. I'm more at peace with being a bit queer and having stronger emotional reactions than others. 

When I was young I had more frantic behavior in order to avoid abandonment. Through therapy and twelve step work I've been learning that letting go of people makes them more free to come to me. But to some extent that inner drive for contact has been replaced with apathy and controlling, by eating. So I've gained about 50 pounds since I was younger. I need to tell myself that it isn't the overweight that's eating me, although that's actually how I perceive it. Actually, my eating problems are old. They too are a bit less frantic, thanks to a serenity encouraging fellowship. 

I've come to the conclusion that alcohol gives me a tendency to look at people in a more paranoid way. Like it gets conserved in the liqueur in stead of just disappearing when the emotions change. So I stay off alcohol. Think I read about that somewhere. 

I see the danger of isolating. I've read that some BPD's become more and more paranoid, and eventually suicidal, so I really see the need to keep up my health preserving connections. I cannot do it all alone. Church, therapeutic and other accepting settings like this site is helpful in stabilizing my emotions a lot. People close to me, like my husband and children, know that I'm unstable. Also those who know me from the settings where I feel safe, but I'm more competent at not letting it all hang out where people can't deal with me. So I'll conclude: Life's for learning. As such it can be pretty exciting. 

Anonymous Person with BPD

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